death threats

you know when you have a bad dream and you wake up and you go to sleep and you wake up and everytime you just go right back to the same bad dream and in the morning you feel like it was real and like the badness of it was just chasing you? jealousy is the grossest feeling and now i am fully awake but it is chasing me like it was in my dream. self pity is bad too. that happens with jealousy. also not rational. last nite, i stayed in the house because my camper was too cold and also unfortunately possessed by demons. i guess my sister got cosmo because it was laying on the bed, so i read it and it made me really angry and depressed. its a magazine about women and their self worth only related to men? like its all "look happy and confident because thats what boys like!" and stuff. i mean how are you going to look happy and confident if its only because you want to attract boys? fuck that.maybe that's why boys don't like me anymore.or maybe it's because i'm FAT AND UGLY.just kidding kind of.but really its probably because i look angry and cry a lot and talk about "crazy shit". but looking at those girl fashion magazines that are all like "all girls are different and beautiful and look at these girls that are different and beautiful and happy with themselves" makes me depressed also and then i feel kind of jealous. jealous of magazine people that are "happy with themselves". i was talking to my friend alex and telling him i feel old and ruined like broken kitchen utensils. and he said broken kitchen utensils are cool. and what happened? your way of living without constraint used to inspire me so much. i think my compulsions..my
"way of living" has ruined me. that i have been too open to the world. that i have felt too much. that i have destroyed myself with my surroundings. that it is in my nature to do this and ultimately be alive TOO much and i have no choice but to go to the extremes of every emotional and psychological situation. i've been feeling like i can't go on anymore and i am so bitter that i know i can and have to. like i just want to lay on the ground and end. i definitely don't want to write the million papers that i have to within the next week, i just want to brood over everything that wanders into my mind. sartre said that every human is only a situation. that's how i felt when i tripped in the sand dunes at a certain point but i couldn't put my finger on it. i am a bad situation. but i'm trying to get some stuff in order so maybe i turn into a difficult but good situation temporarily. when i'm in maryland, i'm going to feel happy, but i think a lot of other things to. i'm scared a little about my life. i'm terrified of myself. sometimes people tell me i should write a book or something. i think i should write lots of books but i have lots of ideas and a small attention span. i want to sound smart and independent, not emotional.maybe i should go take a shower. i once again havent done that in a week. showers are hard.